I Don’t Always Think About You

N, I don’t always think about you. You and your dad are single handedly the most important people in my life and I love you more than anything in the world. So, it makes me feel like a horrible mom to say that when I’m busy at work you are not always on my mind.

IMG_3397

I would love to think about you every second, but it doesn’t seem like a realistic component to a successful career. I would never get anything done. It is certainly not that I don’t want to think about you or that you are not important enough to think about but, instead, that I am simply busy. Sometimes, I am so busy that I have to immediately move from one task or project to the next in order to get things completed. That requires tremendous focus. These are actually my favorite hours: when the time flies between when I leave you in the morning and when I get home to you in the evening.

JBJ 2-1

The times I am thinking about you are much harder. I’m yearning to be with you and wondering what you are doing. In the moments where you won’t escape my mind, I second guess my decision to be a working mommy and wonder how it will affect you long term. These times are hard on me but I have come to know and expect them. Then I tell myself how lucky I am to be blessed with both you and a career and I remember why each is important to me.

But, I don’t always think about you. While being your mom is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received, I like having a purpose and interest other than being your mommy. You continue to grow up each and every day needing less and less of me. Someday, before I know it, you will be an independent boy and then a man. I hope and pray that we will be wonderful friends when you are an adult and, please know I will provide support and love to you for my whole life. But you will not need me as you do today. And I fear, that if I let everything else in my life go because you are absolutely the priority, that one day I won’t know myself anymore.

IMG_2478

Ms. E, our daycare provider, also deserves thanks. I’m so confident in Ms. E. and the care and love you are receiving. I know if I was uncomfortable with your daily care, our situation may be much different. You are happy there; you have little friends who you are visibly just as excited to see as they are excited to see you; and you are learning things other than what I’m teaching you at home. So, sometimes I don’t think about you.

I hear other moms say they are constantly thinking about their child(ren) when they are away from them. I wonder if they really are or, if like me, they are fearful to admit that sometimes other things cross their minds. I believe society has made our working moms feel inadequate because they are not spending enough time with their children and it has made stay at home moms feel bad because they are spending too much time with their children. Which is right and where is the line? We have been made to feel that we should be so many things, far beyond what any single one of us is humanly capable. The truth is, each one of us, including you, will find happiness in doing things in each’s individual way. I just want you to know, even though I am a working mommy and I am not thinking of you every second, you are never far from my mind or heart at any moment. In the moments when something else is on my mind, you are always just beyond that thought.

3 thoughts on “I Don’t Always Think About You

  1. Kerstin, I totally agree. Thanks for this post. I agree that sometimes I guilt myself into thinking I should be thinking about him more or worried that he is okay. Especially when X was younger, and I wasn’t super busy at work, I ached to be home with him. I think at that point, I was afraid that I was missing every new thing he did and knew he would never be that little again. During that time, my husband was able to be home a lot with him too and that was able to strengthen their bond. If Grandma wasn’t who he spent his days with, I would probably spend more time thinking about what he is doing when I’m not with him or if he was being well cared for. Since he is almost four, he is now able to tell me some of what I missed or what he did during the day. And I’m so glad he gets to have a close bond with Grandma.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *