I’m not sure if I’ve shared this picture before. It’s probably my all time favorite…ever. Of all the photos in my life (and you know there are millions between my mom and I), this moment is my all time favorite. It was taken the moment our boys met, and within a couple hours of Little Brother N’s birth. It is a moment I will forever be thankful and grateful I got to be a part of and witness. Every time I look at it, I feel a rush of humility and appreciation. I have been BLESSED. Blessed in a million ways. But, especially blessed by these two sweet, little boys that fill my heart with more love and silliness than I ever could have imagined.
These two have taught me more about the person I am than any other human on this earth. On a daily basis they pull back the curtain on where I am succeeding and where I am failing in becoming the person I want to be. They reorganized my priorities the moment each appeared earthside, and serve as a constant reminder to stay grounded in those values.
I have had great opportunities and awesome experiences in my life. If you ask me, the relationships and the people that fill my life are among the most incredible on this planet. Excluding a few scares with nogels and an occasional cold and flu, I have been primarily healthy. I live in a place that’s among the most safe and comfortable of anywhere and where I get to have an opinion on anything I want and share it with whomever may or may not be interested. Although, like everyone, I’ve experienced pain, heartbreak and anxiety, it has been minimal. The hard moments of my life have led to better places of understanding and opportunity.
You see, I have been BLESSED.
But nothing has come close to the feeling I had in this moment, and that I remember every time I look at this photo. The two people that grew inside of me, meeting in my arms. Healthy boys themselves, commencing a relationship that will, hopefully, last a lifetime and trump all or most others. The photo is beautiful and precious, but doesn’t even compare to the memory.
Of course, these little blessings come with all sorts of other things like budgeting, brain fog, guilt, exhaustion, stress, no free time, and, often, a very messy house. Honestly, in the thick of it, I occasionally forget that they are blessings. On some days it feels like I’m barely keeping everyone alive, and I could tell you 100 things I should have done different or better.
But, on other days, I just want to sit back and take a second to marvel at these boys. I want to soak in the pure amazingness that they are healthy, mostly happy, and ours. That for a little while I get to wake up to these faces who can’t get enough of my love, hugs and kisses. That Seano and I were chosen to guide and walk with them through this journey. I want to feel the blessing of their lives in mine in the deepest parts of me so that on those hard days, it’s burned into my mind and I can’t forget.
Nothing makes me feel more nostalgic and thankful than the impending arrival of the birthdays of my babies. With both of their birthdays within just a couple weeks of each other, all the sentimental feels flow over me as I remember back to the moments that they entered our lives. Little Brother N will be 1 and Big Brother N will be 5. I can’t help but thank my God, the stars and the universe for blessing my life so greatly and placing these two little humans in my care. I can’t help but feel BLESSED. In the coming weeks I’ll share both of their birthday letters. I started this tradition on Big Brother N’s first birthday and will carry it on through his life as I will Little Brother N’s, too. These letters, like this post, are often sappy and full of love. But, it is a tiny way I hope I can articulate to both of them what their lives and presence in mine have meant to me. To maybe communicate how BLESSED they have made me.
I anticipate watching my children grow and slowly gain total independence, eventually leaving home, will be one of the most difficult things I ever do. So just for a little while, I want to sit in this overwhelming feeling of thankfulness and gratefulness because they were BLESSED to me.
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